I must admit that this was certainly a random thought and entry for me. I didn’t really thought too much about it. But when the idea popped into my head, I was like, “Yeah, I think I’ll talk about my experience of meeting a past benefactor.”
Just out of curiousity, have you ever met a benefactor in your life?
For the benefit of anybody who doesn’t quite understand the meaning of the word benefactor, it usually refers to someone who enters your life and help you with what you need and to get you to the next level. Or to help you reach a goal, or dream. Basically, a benefactor is someone that has helped you in a really big way.
Well, at least that’s how I’ve chosen to look at it.
So yes, I think that I’ve been blessed enough to have met 2 people in my life that have really helped me out over the past 8 years. Once when the head of sales and marketing for Progress decided to hire me directly to work in the company. I landed the first dream job of my tech career.
The next time was a semi-retired professional who saw that I really needed a laptop, resources and financial support. He sponsored me with everything I needed and also did that for a short period of time. Long enough for me to finally get to a better place in my journey.
The first encounter took place in Oct 2015, and the second one was in Aug 2019. Since then, I haven’t had the opportunity to meet another benefactor. There have been days where I kinda wondered, “Was that it? If that is the end for me, then I really wished I had appreciated those experiences more (not that I didn’t).” And then I would also think to myself, “Weizhi, why are you so greedy and hoping to meet another benefactor? Is meeting 2 not enough?”
Honestly, I don’t know what the correct answer to that question should be. On one hand, I am really grateful that I met those two benefactors when I did. They really came into my life at the most critical moments and made a huge difference in my life. I will never be able to thank them enough for everything that they have done for me. Yet at the very same time, I hope to think that there shouldn’t be a limit to the number of people we can meet in life that would be willing to help us.
One Day, I Want to Pay It Forward Too.
And that really is the honest truth. My benefactors in the past have told me that they never expected anything from me. They wanted to help me because they felt that I have been authentic and that I deserved the support. The only thing that they asked me to do is to pay it forward some day.
So that is something that I really hope to do one day. To be in a position where I’m not only doing well in my own life, but also well enough that I can be there to support others. I want that. I look forward to being able to do that.
But I must also face the current reality of my circumstances. Things have been challenging, and until I can turn this situation around, I won’t be in any position to help someone else. It is precisely the reason why I’ve been having this thought bouncing around inside my head lately…“Will I ever meet another benefactor? If so, when will I meet him/her?”
I don’t know the answer to that question either. But there are moments of deep despair where I would be reminded of my past experiences, and it would give me a little bit of hope to keep hanging on, to keep going. It’s that reminder that, “If I just hold on, I might find my next breakthrough soon. And if I choose to quit, I may never be able to find out.”
This is My Space for True Authenticity
Ever since I’ve made the decision to limit the access to my journal entries to just my subscribers, I feel like this has become a personal space for me. A sacred space where I can really express myself with authenticity. I like never having to pretend to be someone that I’m not. We live in a world today where it’s always a challenge to be yourself, and honestly, to be different. Many people that I’ve met and spoken to online always seem to care more about their “image” and what others might think of them, therefore they seem to care even less about being true to themselves.
I’m not saying that having a good positive image isn’t important. But it should never be at the expense of who we are, or compromising our integrity just so that we can fit in. In the real-world, I sometimes still tell lies, or bend the truth in front of my own parents and family members. Yes, I do that. And when I’m in front of others, I sometimes still say things that I normally would not say if I know it’s safe to be myself.
One thing is good though, I am pretending and lying a lot less than I used to. These days, its down to a minimal. But it is still happening and I really hate myself for it each time that I say or do something that I know isn’t true (isn’t me). Honestly, I just wish I could totally stop with the pretending and lying. I wish I could just be 100% me in the real world. But it’s hard. And that is the truth.
So, what will you be doing this weekend?
Well, I’m already broke, so I’m thinking I’ll just remain home for the weekend. Spend some time working on a personal project, while also gaming. I’ve been spending a lot of quality gaming time in Anno 1800 and Ghost Recon Breakpoint. I’m on my second play-through of GRB, and I have been really enjoying it so far. Beyond that, I think I’m going to allow myself to catch up on sleep too. Oh yeah, and sending out more job applications.
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