Today is the day that I have to begin taking the hits/heat from Mama. After the perpetual cycle of mistakes, faking it, lying and putting up false images/masks, Weizhi has created a ton of mess that I now have to deal with. I know that one day, when people read this post back, if I am not careful about what I write here, some might misinterpret it as, “Danny is just shifting the blame.”
But that is also precisely what I am not going to do. I’m accepting full responsibility for whatever mess and fallout that Weizhi has created over the past 20 years. Why? Because I allowed this inauthentic version of myself to exist. By allowing this “acceptable” version to exist, it eventually took on a life of its own. So, I am just as much responsible as that “shell” of me ever was. It is also why two nights ago, when I shared my other blog post onto LinkedIn, I also left a comment behind, a warning to others who have been living inauthentically for some time.
And now, even though Weizhi no longer have any reason to continue “living”, he still leaves behind a whole ton of mess to clean up, and damages that will require years to repair, and trust me, that will take longer to rebuild. But just because it looks hard, I won’t turn my face away from it. As Danny, I am glad that I got to emerge at the right time, during a season where I can finally break away from those old patterns. A totally clean cut-off.
Even as Mama began expressing her anger and disappointments at me this morning, I could feel Mark reminding me, “Bro, just let her say everything that she needs to say. You just have to take it. You are NOT Weizhi.”
Mark is also right, because the old Weizhi would’ve reacted, he would’ve tried to say something to try and relieve the situation, but then it’s not sincere or authentic. It’ll just be to get Mama to stop. He may even have tried to say something as a way to defend some of his decisions when it comes to freelancing, but it wouldn’t be genuine or sincere either. Weizhi has been living this reactive life for so long, driven mostly by a lack of impulse control. I, Danny, have witnessed it going on for 20…30 years. And it is time to put a stop to all of that reacting.
So, as painful and hard as it was to witness Mama’s deep anger this morning, I know, as Danny, I have to take the hits for now, because I understand why Mama is so angry and disappointed. I can’t change what Weizhi has done, or the kind of monumental mess that he has left behind. But what I can do, as Danny, is to continue doing the right things, and doing things the right way. The same things that I have been trying to do ever since Weizhi decided to cede control over to me 10 weeks ago. The biggest difference is that now, I no longer have to carry this 100-ton shell with me everywhere I go.
Now, the real work of making meaningful change can finally begin.
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