“I have been living my life like it’s on some kind of auto-pilot. And each time I made a bad decision, say something I regret (tell a lie), or behave in a way that is wrong, I would make stupid excuses for myself. So this is me consciously turning off that auto-pilot function in my life.”
Lately, due to my very own anxiety and worries over my financial situation as well as the job hunting situation, I have been experiencing insomnia again. I stayed up watching TV shows, but the truth is, I couldn’t sleep. While all of that is happening, I’ve also been thinking a lot about something else.
I want a chance to course-correct…
Yeap guys, for the past few weeks, I’ve been praying a lot, and asking that God would give me this chance to do a course correction in my life. Eventhough I did start following my passions 8 years ago, and now that I’ve found my calling; along the way, I still made plenty of mistakes. There were so many decisions and choices that I’ve made that I’m not proud of. Decisions, that honestly in hindsight now were sometimes outright silly, stupid, unnecessary, and even unwise.
Every single time I look back on my mistakes along this journey, I wished there was a way I could go back in time and make a different choice. Maybe things might have worked out slightly differently for me (for sure I guess).
But if I had made different choices then, I probably would lose some of the things that I do have today. So that begs the questions, would being able to undo those decisions (making different ones) be worth it? Clearly, we don’t have a working time machine to test out that theory. But if it’s really like the movies and TV shows, then changing the past can sometimes have serious consequences too right?
So, what is the moral of the story here?
Arriving at the full realization of what it means to be fully aware of my actions, choices, and words.
I think it is important to come to the self-realization that we have to all learn to live with the kind of choices and decisions we have made (however ugly the consequences). And the only way to avoid (prevent) living in regrets, is to take ownership of our lives. To live responsibly and really take every single decision, every single action, every single word we speak seriously. It doesn’t mean that we stop having fun, or enjoy our lives. We have been blessed with this one life, there’s no option to do a repeat (or have 2nd chances). So the we ought to make the best of our lives.
“And the only way to avoid (prevent) living in regrets, is to take ownership of our lives. To live responsibly and really take every single decision, every single action, every single word we speak seriously.”
When I really think back on every single thing that I’ve done, every single lie I used to say, every single unwise/foolish decisions I have made in recent years, it’s a constant reminder that I wasn’t fully conscious of my decisions and actions. By conscious, I mean, being fully self-aware and making those decisions, taking those actions with deliberate, and considerate thought.
“I would make plenty of excuses for my life’s choices, but the truth is, I have nobody else to blame but myself for how my life has turned out.”
I’ve made so many decisions in my life and said many things to many people simply because I was influenced by my emotions and the stressors and pressure of the surrounding circumstances in my life. I would make plenty of excuses for my life’s choices, but the truth is, I have nobody else to blame but myself for how my life has turned out.
And so here I am…
I am fully conscious and fully aware of what my decisions and actions have done to my life. I am fully aware now that my actions and decisions come with consequences (and yes, at times, really serious ones, the ones that become huge regrets).
Deliberate, Purposeful Living must be a Conscious Decision
So one thing I’ve started doing (and this is not some subconscious, semi-conscious, or half-hearted intention, or plan. Nope.
In recent weeks, I’ve decided to be more deliberate and considerate about how I’m going to live my life moving forward. I’ve been having a lot of thoughts on that front.
While I haven’t found a full-time job yet, I am currently “plotting my future” if you want to call it that. For the very first time in my life, I am making a deliberate and fully conscious decision to plot and plan for my future. I’m not going to have a future that is influenced or decided by someone else, or by the circumstances around my life.
I am starting with the smaller things.
1. SAVINGS
And to begin that process, I’ve decided to go back down to the most basic things. My finances and how I intend to manage it. Let’s start by setting aside money for savings. One of my biggest regrets in life so far is that I never had savings. I had been spending money on things that never truly mattered. So that is why I always ended up broke and have zero savings. I have been having visualization exercises to picture a bank account with 50K in savings. I’ve been picturing a 6-figure saving in my bank account when I’m at an ATM withdrawing my money. I imagined being able to save up money every month and seeing the balance in my bank account accumulating. To be honest, I currently only have $1.81 in my bank account. But I am hoping to turn that around in the near future.
2. MY DEBTS
Something else I will also do is focus on clearing up my debts. I have quite a lot of debt in my life still. Everything from my income tax from 2017, to my credit card debts, and the money that I’m supposed to pay off for a past freelance project that didn’t work out in 2018. Many of these things have just been suspended in mid-air for the past few years. Even after I had my most recent job, I wasn’t really all-in on paying off my debts. I was just good with paying the minimum and it still hasn’t been cleared yet. Which honestly says a lot about my effort/commitment. So that is going to be the very first thing I want to change.
3. HELP CONTRIBUTE MORE TO THE HOUSEHOLD EXPENSES (PUTTING MY FAMILY FIRST)
Eventhough I’m not truly the eldest in the family (among my siblings), in the current household, I am the eldest and by nature, most would expect that the eldest take on more responsibility to help take care of the family. Truth is that I’ve been thinking so much about my own needs, my own desires, my own plans, that I’ve never put my own family first. I would hide behind my desire to lead a purpose-driven life, following my passions and use them as excuses for not stepping up in the past.
Something I’ve come to reckon with in recent weeks is that I don’t have to sacrifice my purpose-driven life and follow my passions by putting my own family first. In fact, when I put my priorities in their correct order, I have this deep sense that my family will eventually come around to supporting me in my decision to follow my passions and to lead this purpose-driven life.
“For once (maybe for the first time in my life), I want nothing more than to put my own family ahead of myself. And that is not because I hope they would later come around to support me. Although that would be really nice. No. I want to do this because I’ve realized that it is what is important and necessary.”
That is why I’ve been thinking a lot about how I can use a portion of my salary from my new job (whatever job that might be) to help make some serious contributions to the household expenses. That could mean helping to cover the utility bills, paying for the home internet. It could be a few hundred dollars, but it matters. It’s important to my family, and so that is what I want to do from now on. For once (maybe for the first time in my life), I want nothing more than to put my own family ahead of myself. And that is not because I hope they would later come around to support me. Although that would be really nice. No. I want to do this because I’ve realized that it is what is important and necessary.
4. FOCUSING ON ONLY WHAT I NEED
“Nothing I’ve bought or done (where spending my money is considered) so far is born out of a deliberate, or consideration decision.”
Something else that I’ve been deliberating plotting/planning for my future is in the way I spend my money. Yes, I mean everything, from food, meals, to entertainment, or buying stuff for myself. One thing I’ve failed so spectacularly in my life up until this very moment is that I never stopped to consider the fact, that I have been spending my money without self-control. Nothing I’ve bought or done (where spending my money is considered) so far is born out of a deliberate, or consideration decision.
They were all on impulse (emotion-driven).
Let me just put it this way – I didn’t really consider if what I wanted to get was something I really need, or if it was just something I wanted (and can live without). So when everything blurs together, I would sometimes try to justify that some things that I wanted/desired to own was something I needed. I would make a lot of excuses for myself for why I paid for it. But let’s face it, I didn’t need it.
That way of making financial decisions must finally stop. Moving forward, I will be more concerned and detailed with my financial plans. I have to. If I allow myself to stop micro-managing my own finances, then history is going to repeat itself over and over again.
I must be able to train myself to become fully self-aware of where every single cent/dollar is going. It’s going to feel tedious at the beginning (being totally self-aware for the first time in anything usually is) because I will need to track every single spending (no matter how small). But I think in the long run, this could actually benefit me the most. As I become more faithful with how I manage my finances, I think I will start to really appreciate the value of money in my life. Not just that, as I see the savings accumulate over time in my bank account, it will also make all this micro-managing worth it.
It’s time to course-correct. I’m turning off my auto-pilot function.
So yeah, it is exactly the right time for me to start course-correcting my life. I have been living my life like it’s on some kind of auto-pilot. And each time I made a bad decision, say something I regret (tell a lie), or behave in a way that is wrong, I would make stupid excuses for myself. So this is me consciously turning off that auto-pilot function in my life.
I could say that it was in recent years that I’ve started to become more self-aware of myself and the choices I’ve been making in my life. It was the very first time that I’m finally aware that I have control over some parts of my life. Call it, “being awoken” for the first time I guess. But I wasn’t fully awake (aware) of everything in my life at that time. It was just the beginning. It has taken another 4…5 years before I finally understood that I need to turn off the “auto-pilot” function in my life. It hasn’t worked out for me for most of my life, so why should I rely on it. It is finally time for me to take control over my life. Totally, and fully.
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