The past week really felt like a blur to me. It’s already Sunday and I’m looking to the new week thinking, “Wait a minute…what have I done this week? Did I actually do anything productive this week? Geez…shit, I can’t remember.”
I’m pretty sure we’ve experienced one of those weeks where things were just on “auto-pilot” for many of us. I hope it doesn’t happen too often because that would not be a good thing. Well, at least from my perspective. There’s nothing more discouraging than to have an entire week go by and realize that you haven’t done anything meaningful with it. You’ve literally just lost a whole week. That’s normally how I would feel right after realizing that I had allowed something like that to happen.
So, seeing that it’s Sunday now, I thought it would be the best time to sit down to think about what I really want to get done this coming week. In many ways, I feel the need to take back control, and also to refocus myself.
Being on “Auto-pilot” is Not the Same Thing as Having a Routine
(continued on Monday)
In case you’re wondering, yes, I do have a certain kind of routine (even if my routine is…well, not exactly very consistent, considering I do struggle with the occasional mild ADHD). For years, I’ve struggled with mild ADHD, but I’ve also managed to find a way around it. It allows me to better manage it over time for sure. In fact, now that I think about it, being able to build this “routine” into my life also helped me to stay focused on what is important, and as a result, be as productive as I can be despite my mild ADHD.
If I had to be totally frank, I think I’ve been settling into a kind of “floating” state…sorry, I can’t seem to find the right words to describe what that really feels like. It’s like one of those experiences when you just gave up trying to fight the flow because it gets really emotionally exhausting after a long time, and you just wanted to give in to that desire to let it go and stop resisting. I believe that that is what happened lately. One clear sign is when I decided to just stop job hunting altogether. The situation felt kinda hopeless to a degree, and so in my mind, I had this thought, “What’s the point of even trying?”
Sometimes, the only way to Experience a Breakthrough is to Do Something Different
I remembered a time 8 years ago when I got so tired of trying to conform to the expectations that others (i.e. societal, cultural norms, and yes, even with some of those around me) have of me. Trying to struggle and fight “to fit in” was getting me nowhere. I was still stuck in the same exact place after many years with little to no progress career-wise. So I made the decision that instead of trying to fit into the mold that others (and society) have placed upon me, I would break out of it instead.
So I quit. I left my then job behind. As I pursued my own passions in UX, it eventually led me to my own breakthroughs. The very first ones in my entire professional life. Looking back now, I have to say, I don’t have many breakthroughs that I can genuinely speak of. But I do have a few of them. And most of those breakthroughs took place during the period of time when I decided to break out of the mold that others have tried to place me in.
Being on “Auto-Pilot” Feels A Lot Like Giving In and Giving Up
As I try to put all of my life experiences side-by-side to see what worked and what didn’t, it starts to form a much clearer picture. The times when I really experienced those few breakthroughs in my life, were also those times when I really fought against the flow of what others would view as acceptable (norms). But it’s never easy to go against the flow. In fact, it can sometimes feel a little lonely because when I’m going against the flow of what is acceptable, it’s normally accompanied by the rejections of those around me.
But I must also admit that I have spent way more time in my life trying to go with the flow than going against it. I believe that there are a number of truly genuine external influences/reasons for how I had been living my life. But if I really want to own it, then the best thing I can say is that I wanted to fit in most of my life because it would have the least lonely outcome. I would always struggle to fit in, it was hard, and I had to constantly lie and put on different “fake” masks in front of others to pretend to be somebody that I’m not. But it’s still (to some degree), a much easier thing to endure than trying to go against the flow and ending up alone.
Accepting That It Would be a Lonely Journey was the First Step
It was around the same time in 2014 when I decided to leave my job to pursue my passion in UX that I finally accepted that my decision would probably lead to me feeling lonely on this journey. It wasn’t something that was easy to accept. Yet on the other hand, I’ve had enough of trying to live a life where I’m constantly trying to fit into someone else’s narrative [expectation] of who I should be, or the things I can do. I knew that unless I was willing to risk feeling lonely, I will always spend the rest of my life wondering what it might’ve been like if I had the courage to just try. So I figured, it would be better to have tried and known than to not know and wonder the “what ifs”. By then, it might have been too late because the window of opportunity would’ve past me by.
Looking back now, I am honestly glad that I took the risk! It was a huge risk, and it was tough during the initial months, but that same decision to go against the flow also led me to my very first dream job.
“Taking a BreaK, And Then Keep Going” is Still a Better Alternative Than Running on “Auto-Pilot”
If my recent “auto-pilot” experience is any reminder, it’s definitely this – when I feel like I’m really exhausted emotionally and I want to just give in (or give up), it is actually much better to just take a break from whatever it is I’m trying to work towards.
Taking a break from working on yours doesn’t mean that you have given up on it. Sure, maybe things aren’t going according to plan, or what you have hoped initially. But that’s life isn’t it? You can’t always expect things to go the way that you want it to. Sometimes, we just have to learn to let go of the things we cannot control.
In this very case, I’ll be doing an exercise to accept that my plans to find a suitable career/job have been taking a lot longer than I had hoped. It hasn’t been easy and that’s the truth. But I am also refusing to give up or give in to the temptation of wanting to fall back into my old ways. I’m going to use this opportunity to take a breath, get some rest, and then refocus myself when I’m ready.
Taking the Chance to Refocus
Sometimes when I’m writing, I actually have no idea where it would lead me. So it’s fair to say that I had no idea that this is how I had intended to end this particular journal entry. But here I am.
I know that I’m already posting quite little at the moment (roughly 1 journal entry on a weekly basis), but I think I want to take a break from writing for the next week (or two). I’ve decided to turn off comments for this particular post, so I won’t feel the need to have to reply when I see a notification. But if there are any comments left on my other entries, I’ll reply to them when I’m ready to come back to this. I’m going to use this time to refocus myself, and get some much-needed sleep (sleeping early i.e. by 11 or 12 at night), and then get some workout in during the evenings. I need a moment to recharge myself.