Honestly, I can’t seem to remember what it felt like when times were better than they are right now. I remember the times when things were better. But, I can’t remember that feeling that goes with it. Clearly, that means it’s been such a long time since things in my life have been going really well. When things were considered, truly, and genuinely good. Right now, if I have to be totally frank, I’ll be happy to settle for fine. #itsokaynottobeokay
Growing up as a Singaporean/Chinese kid, it’s a normal (almost expected) thing to have your parents compare you with the neighbour’s kids, or your cousins, or your mum’s best friend’s daughter/son, etc. If you are lucky enough, you probably have parents who don’t really care about that kind of stuff, so they don’t engage in activities like comparing their kids. But if you’re somewhat unfortunate like me, then you’re probably more familiar with my personal experiences. I think it’s pretty safe to assume that a majority of us Asian/Singaporean kids growing up in the 80s and 90s would’ve gone through something similar (with varying degrees of comparing).
So, you would think that by now, I would’ve gotten so used to all these comparing that I’ll be numb to it right? Well, sorry to disappoint you, but no. Sometimes, it can still get to me mentally and emotionally. On better days, I would be able to shrug it off. But there are many, I mean most days when it would just dampen my mood and spirits and I would struggle to find the motivation to get through the rest of the day.
I suppose that’s how I have been feeling for the last couple of days. It’s tough enough to be a Singaporean and Chinese by race (before you pile on those cultural and societal expectations/norms). But add to the mix, being a middle child honestly didn’t help. For some reason, I’m always feeling like I’ll never be enough, no matter what I do, or how hard I try. For some reason or another, I don’t seem to measure up. So for a very long time in my life, I would adopt this mindset of, “Hey, what’s the point of trying so hard? It’s not going to make much of a difference anyway. Maybe I should just settle for what I can get and be content with it. This is my lot in life.”
No, I’m not going to take any of that shit anymore
Then in 2014, I finally had the last straw and decided that I wasn’t going to play the victim card any longer. I’ve decided that I wasn’t going to just accept that whatever I could get in life thus far (at that present moment) was my “lot in life”. I was done allowing my parents to tell me that this is what I can do with my life, and this is all I’m ever going to be. I was done allowing my parents, society in general, and the cultural norms to dictate what my “lot in life” was going to be. It was time for me to finally go out there into the world and figure out what I can achieve/build for myself.
But it wasn’t as easy or simple as I thought it would be. Well, to be fair, I didn’t expect the whole journey to be easy. I did expect there to be certain challenges when it comes to the pursuit of my passions as a Singaporean/Chinese. I knew that I would be going against my own parent’s “best wishes”. To be clear, their version of “best wishes” is for me to accept my “lot in life” and be content with whatever it was that I was given. Which by the way, really wasn’t much. Looking back on my journey so far, I can tell you that I have definitely tasted what could be something better, something more. So no, right now, as of this very present moment, I no longer believe that we should ever settle for what others tell us is “our [your] lot in life”. It’s a total bunch of bull-crap. I know that as long as I keep persevering, as long as I do not give up, and if I don’t compromise, that I would eventually reach my goal of living a life that is filled with purpose and meaning.
I already know that it is possible and achievable. I just…I don’t know how to put it exactly…waiting for my moment?? I really don’t like saying it like this. Why? Because it makes me sound like I’m just sitting on my ass waiting for the right opportunities to show up in my life. And I know that that is not how things work in this world. If my journey over the last 8 years has taught me anything, it is this, if there is something you truly want to achieve in life, you have to go out there and get it. It’s not enough to hope for things to become better, you have to act on those hopes (it’s called faith) and do something and set yourself up for that breakthrough.
i feel like I’m looking for an oasis in the middle of a desert
If I really have to find an analogy to describe what I’m currently experiencing in my journey (and my life), is that of a desert. I feel like the last few years, I’ve been wandering into the desert (not quite sure how I got there), and now it’s too late to turn back (I could totally relate to the opening scenes of SAS: Rogue Heroes TV show). I mean, I could “look back”, and there’s just no way to really figure out where I am. The only thing I can do now is to attempt to “read the stars”, and try to keep moving forward. Let me put this simply, there’s no place else but forward.
And I continue to press forward, the thirst starts to set in, and the dehydration starts to set in, and ofcourse, that is just an analogy. But you get the feeling right? I am currently thirsting for a sign, like something, some small event, something that would signal that I’m still on the right path (or if I’m on a wrong one, to change course in a different direction). When I refer to dehydration as an analogy, I am referring to my own self-motivation. I’ve been trying to find some kind of tangible motivation to keep going forward, but I’m dry [for now].
How does one continue persevering when you can’t see the end in sight?
While I was typing out this header above, a thought pop-up inside my head (more like a reminder), “It’s not about the destination because life is all about the journey.”
Trust me, I get it. I do. I know that every point we arrive at in life is merely the starting point of another journey/adventure/experience. What we might see as an arrival, could very well just be the very beginning of something else.
But before I can even consider what’s on the other side of this journey, I guess what I really want more than anything, is to get to the end of this part of the journey first. I’ll think about the next part of my journey when I get there. Know what I mean?
I suppose I’m saying all of this right now because I’m just feeling quite exhausted and I’m not 100% sure just how long I can hold out. In terms of my own motivation levels, I’m pretty much running on fumes at the moment. I’m just taking everything one step at a time right now. And with each step, I’m telling myself to take another step. Don’t think about the next one, just take the next step when you get there. And with each day, it feels like I’ve been making progress even if it feels like I’m not making any at all. Does it even make sense?
self-reminder: it is always easier to be highly motivated when times are good.
After the previous journal entry (which I’ll admit was a little lengthy for my preference), I hope to keep this one short (well, shorter). So I’m going to try and end what I wanna say here. As I continue to reflect upon where I am right now in my life (as well as on this journey that I’ve undertaken), I have been reminded that it’s always much easier to stay positive and highly motivated during the good times. When times are easy, it’s always easy to stay super positive. It’s almost natural.
Though I can’t recall or remember where I came across this statement, I’ll quote it (not word for word), “Because it is not easy to stay positive (or to keep the faith) when times are tough, that is also when (and why) it is even more important [choose] to stay positive.”
Staying positive on difficult days becomes less natural and more of a choice. It’s a daily decision for me to remain positive, to see the positivity in each day, each situation in my life. By making this daily choice, I believe I can say with certainty that it’s totally unnatural. Because naturally, when times are tough, and when things are bad, we would want to feel negative, unmotivated, sad, angry, or whatever emotion we relate with most during those times. It’s the easier emotion to feel in the moment.
But I’ll keep pressing on. I’m tired. I’m exhausted. But I know that I gotta persevere. My hope is that things will work out in due time.
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