Hey guys, I’m back. So a quick re-cap. Last week, I wrote about two random thoughts that I had. The first one was about me shifting away from this “do-it-all” kinda guy. the second thing was about having “realistic dreams”. Those were the two predominant thoughts on my mind when I started the week. As we begin a brand new week, I’m starting to have thoughts about something else. I want to share about both my experiences of trying way too hard to fit in (most of my life until my early 30s), and then learning that I can be different and I don’t have to try and fit in (feeling totally displaced like I don’t belong anywhere).
THat Boy That Only Wants to Belong
Lately, I have been thinking a lot about the state of my mental health. I think with everything that I’m currently battling to overcome, it would be normal to assume that I’m doing my best to take things in my stride. But things are far from being okay. I would tell you that I’m fine if you ever try to ask how I am doing in person (especially if we don’t know each other very well). But things are not. I guess, doing it in an online journal just makes it easier for me to express myself without needing to hide behind “I am fine”.
But growing up, I never had a way of expressing that I am not okay with things. Growing up as an Asian, Singaporean, Chinese kid, we were always taught to suck it up and tough it out. Our parents would often tell us about the hard life they had endured growing up, and those of their parents; I suppose they were hoping that we would take those stories and make the best of what they have given us as children. Depending on the situation, it usually means different things. When times are difficult, they would use those stories to remind us that we need to “suck it up!”.
With all of the different kinds of parental expectations growing up, I never really saw an opportunity to be myself. It was always to conform to some kind of image of who my parents expected us to be. We were expected to be filial, to be good (obedient), to not disagree, to do well in school (even if my strength really wasn’t in my grades), and so on. Being Chinese by race, I can share firsthand that it hasn’t been easy growing up in an environment where 95% of the decisions made were not exactly your (my) own. It’s usually what your parents say they wanted for you because they know best.
It was later in my young adult life that I finally understood that we’re supposed to be unique, different individuals. We’re not meant to all be the same, or do the same things. But hey, decades of programming can do something to you. It’s a very difficult thing to de-program if you know what I mean. Knowing is one thing, putting that into action is quite another.
But hey, to be totally fair, I really shouldn’t just lay all of the blame on my upbringing or my culture’s influence. There was a major portion of influence coming from the education system and the kind of societal norms that we have been embracing for a very long time. I believe at some point in the last decade or so, there was more chatter and recognition that we need to embrace each other for our unique individuality. Like I said, knowing was one thing, the actual change…well, looking back now, we have certainly made some progress. But I must say, we’re still a long way away from changing the root cause of those acceptable societal & cultural norms.
Regardless of whether I was a kid growing up, or a young adult trying to find my place in the workplace, I tried so hard to fit in because that was the only way to appear normal like everybody else. I suppose subconsciously, I’ve always knew there’s something different about me. Something that I had to suppress repeatedly throughout my adult life because if I had tried to embrace who I really am, or the things I really want to do with my life/career, I would’ve never fit in anywhere and I would not have had any jobs.
It was in 2014 that I finally made that conscious decision to go against the grain of what has been viewed on the societal and cultural norms. It was the first time in my life that I finally decided to go against my parent’s best wishes to pursue my passions. Quite frankly, I don’t think my parents’ stand have changed today. I am still following my passions today, and I am still not to telling them too much. I usually reveal just enough so that they would not ask too many questions (that I would have to explain myself and we would end up in a conflict).
Now, fast forward to the present moment, I might have found a way to marry both my passions and what is realistic (thanks to the recent talent demands and the pandemic). I know it sounds wrong to some people, but it is the truth. The whole pandemic situation really created a unique situation that made what I can offer now truly valuable. If the pandemic had not happened, I probably would’ve proceeded with my initial career transition plan in 2020. Clearly, that is not going to happen.
But like in my recent journal entry where I shared about what a “realistic dream” is, I believe I can take a high in demand skillset (UX) and marry it with my passion in STEAM Education. I genuinely believe that there are companies out there that could benefit from having someone like me. Clearly, the only question now is, how can I find the right opportunity? Is it a waiting game? Like, maybe the company doesn’t see the need for someone like me (again…I always feel so “out of time”) because what I can offer in totality is years in advance of what they might need today. I mean, they might have use for me as a UX specialist. But for me to really add value, I can also offer other things like UI design and frontend dev. It’s why I talked about being an “Experience Architect/Engineer” in my previous entry.
To be honest, I’m not sure how this will play out. But I am determined to not have a repeat of history. Well, at least I am doing my best to avoid that. There had been brief moments in my history where I tried to step out and embrace who I want to be, but as things get desperate, I would give in to that desperation and I would accept something else just to fit in again.
At the current moment, I am worried that when the situation becomes desperate enough, I would give up and give in eventually. The temptation is always there. Next question is, how long am I going to keep holding out hope? Honestly, I don’t really have an answer for you.
Finally Knowing Who I Am
On to the next topic for this week. Now that I’ve talked about that old desire and temptation to want to fit in, I also want to create a balance by talking about my long-term desire to find my place in this world. Well, to use the word “world” might feel a little exaggerated. More precisely, I really want to find my place in both my personal life as well as in a professional setting.
This journey to search for self actually started in September 2014, but it didn’t really bear much fruit until much later. I referring to the period of 2018 to 2019. It was during this period of two years that I finally took the time to do some serious self-introspection. In fact, a major portion of my self-awareness was raised during those two years. When I speak of this self-introspection, I wasn’t referring to myself in the professional aspect, but rather my own personality and character. I really wanted badly to know who I am, even more so, who I could be outside of all the expectations that others have of me. Those two gave me that. For once, I knew who I am (or rather, who I have always been [or meant to be]).
Moving from Personal to Professional
So, once I’ve managed to figure out who I am, I finally could form a clearer picture of the person that I have the potential to become. For the very first time in my life, I could actually see real possibilities in my future. The kind of future that I wanted for myself, and not one that’s driven by the best desires/wishes of my parents, or what the societal norms dictate I should be doing with my life.
Yet again, knowing who I am and who I could be isn’t quite enough for the road ahead of me. It’s not enough to know, I had to find a way to put it into action. Pre-pandemic, I had already developed a solid action plan, and I was well on my way to materializing my goals of making a full career transition into STEAM Education. During my period of self-introspection, I rediscovered that I have always had a deep interest and passion for tinkering with electronics and robotics as a kid. I loved taking things apart to learn how they work, and that just was a part of who I am. Taking that into consideration, I realized that it might be a good idea for me to shift from being a practitioner (i.e. working in the industry) to being an educator/instructor. My last few years of professional work also helped to reveal that I had a talent and natural ability as a technical communicator. So that was the plan.
But as soon as 2020 rolled around, everything changed. Like millions of people all over the world, I had to do a reality check, and with everything going on, it seemed like my plans were no longer viable. At least, not in the near future. I decided to take the time during the pandemic to reevaluate my options. It wasn’t easy for me. Under normal times, once I have decided to move ahead with a plan, I’ll usually be very stubborn about sticking with it. It’s like I have this need to stick with something and see it all the way to finish. But not this time. The pandemic made sure of that.
So, during the pandemic, something (I wouldn’t call it new) happened that would bring my previous skills and passions back into relevance. Yeap, UX. UX was a big (no, HUGE) discussion during the pandemic as businesses all rushed to go online. Something I was ready to leave behind prior to 2020 has felt so relevant again.
Ideal Outcome #1: Being an Experience Architect/Engineer at a Company That Makes/Sells STEAM Products
But I wasn’t ready to step back into the industry and go back to the same cycle that I had been working so hard to get out of. But I knew I had to find a way to marry the two areas of passion and talent. Taking my understanding of both fields of work, I realized that even companies that make and sell STEAM Education related products will need UX services too. So that made me think about the possibility of finding work as an Experience Design specialist in one of those companies. I would often imagine myself working in one of those companies. I would see myself working for them during the weekdays, and then I’ll spend the weekends teaching coding, electronics, and/or robotics. That way, I would be able to fulfill both my desire/need for financial stability, while also finding meaning by engaging in STEAM-related activities.
Well, that would be the most ideal outcome, professionally speaking.
Ideal Outcome #2: Finding Work as an Experience Architect/Engineer Somewhere Out There
The other ideal I can think of would involve the possibility of temporary relocation. I have been closely watching the local hiring trends here in SG. With the recent massive lay-offs, it seems like companies as a whole might be more interested in making quality hires. Considering what I can offer today, I’d love to say that I’m in the best position to secure something soon. But that would be my most idealistic thinking. If I have to be more practical and realistic, I think it’s more likely for me to find work with a company that’s based overseas. With an overseas work opportunity, it could mean that I would have to relocate permanently, or at least on a temporary basis.
I would picture it in my mind in recent days. I would imagine myself working here locally in Singapore for a few months at a time, and then relocating to wherever the company is based out of and spend a few months there.
The truth and reality of who I am, and what I can offer is something that is often regarded as “too ahead of time”. This isn’t the first time I have felt this way. I have felt this way before, and in that situation, it was an overseas company that saw my value and decided to give me the opportunity. I am forever grateful to them because they made me realize that if local companies won’t recognize my value, there are always companies elsewhere that would see my value and appreciate me for it.
So, in the context of this second ideal outcome, I think there is a possibility that I would be doing something like that in the near future. I mean, that is if the right opportunity comes along.
Touching Base with Reality
Unfortunately, you and I cannot keep living in a fantasy world. I have to come back down to ground and see the situation in my life as it is. This means that I may very well need to find a compromise between what I would love to do, versus what I might have to do temporarily until the situation improves.
Yesterday evening, I came across an email correspondence that I had with an owner of a local SG company. They are in the business of selling and servicing custom PC builds (like the one I have currently, which is also from them). We have had a similar discussion a year ago about the possibility of finding work with their company. I suppose at that time, I was feeling much more hopeful about my job prospects, so therefore I wasn’t really ready to consider working for this smaller, local company. But I think under the circumstances now, I’m more ready to consider it seriously. Even if what they are offering me is way below the standard market rate. Well, they are a small company if you have to take that into consideration.
To add to that, it is also to my knowledge that they were hoping to bring someone on to be a software developer. From a career progression perspective, it certainly feels like I am taking many steps back from where I really wanted to see myself going. But hey, let’s face it, progress in life is never really linear.
Final word guys, if I have to settle with accepting the job as a software developer for the local SG company, that is something I’ll have to accept [for now]. I’m not ready to walk away from my future and the future that I can see for myself. I know that in the right time, and meeting the right people, it will eventually lead to some open doors in the near future still.
Assuming that the job opportunity with this company is still available, I may take it on full-time, while using my spare time to consult on a freelance basis as an Experience Architect/Engineer. I will continue to work on my skills and talents in the area, preparing and readying myself for that future opportunity when it does cross my path. What I have to do right now ain’t ideal, but at least it will provide me with some form of salary. Which, considering my current situation, is better than nothing.
Leave a Reply