I suppose you can call this my “thought of the day” reflection. I was thinking about my constant struggles with the idea of fitting in. This is really a daily struggle for me. It’s that constant thought of, “if I just tried to do what others are doing, I’ll probably have a much easier life than the one that I’ve been experiencing right now.”
And you know what, that is probably true. I only say that because I’ve already been through that experience for most of my life. I know what it is like to want to fit in, to go with the flow, to want to feel accepted/approved/liked. So yeah, having experienced both sides of the coin, I think I’m in a better position to talk about the difference and how it makes me feel on either side (fitting in vs. being myself [different]).
When I’m Trying to Fit In
Considering the fact that I have spent a major portion of my life on this earth so far as someone that has been trying to fit in, I think you can consider me to be a resident expert on this subject matter. Jokes aside, I am all too familiar with what it’s like to want to fit in, to feel accepted. I may have mentioned something similar in previous journal entries. And if I haven’t, I’ll just briefly talk about it here then. For most of my life growing up, I’ve felt that inner need to please my parents, to seek approval, and to just do whatever that I thought would make them happy. This part of who I am could be partially attributed to me being an Asian/Singaporean/Chinese. A major part of our conservative culture/norm is that children should be obedient in following what their parent’s best wishes. Likewise, many Asian/Chinese parents would be saying things like, “I only want what is best for you.”
To anyone that is reading this and if you are an Asian/Chinese like me, then you might be able to relate with this experience.
But what started at home didn’t remain there. As part of my inner desire to please my parents and seek their approval, I would carry that same mindset into school as a kid growing up. And whatever happened in school would eventually follow me into my adulthood as well. I spent almost a decade of my professional life trying to fit in, to go with the flow. I was always so afraid of what others would think about me. I was afraid to “rock the boat” as some would like to describe it. To “rock the boat” in certain settings might eventually lead to the prospect of losing my job. So I would say, that was a major fear factor.
Like a Wallpaper, Nobody Noticed Me (Least of All, My Potential Value)
It took me a long time to realize this, but because of my personal desire to go with the flow, and to fit in (basically, being afraid to “rock the boat”), I have accepted a life where I would appear to be just like everybody else around me. This becomes much more obvious when you consider the kind of work I was doing as a software developer previously. When I was on the job, because I was trying so hard to fit in, on the surface, I looked like most of my colleagues. And if you were a potential hirer, and you were to try and compare me with most of my peers, you would not be able to tell the difference between me and them. On paper and skill-wise, I am practically like them.
But to make things worse, because I was trying so hard to be like them (to fit in), I was never really quite as good as them skill-wise. After spending most of my career as a software developer, I did become rather good at what I can do (eventually). But I have to be real with myself. Software development really wasn’t my forte (at least when I’m trying to compare myself with my peers). And so, for the longest time in my professional life, I could never stand out. It felt like I was invisible in many ways. Because I was trying to fit in and wasn’t good enough, I was easily overshadowed by those that were deemed “specialists” in the field.
When you take all those factors into consideration, it is not difficult to draw the conclusion that one of the very core reasons why I was passed up on many job/career opportunities was because I wasn’t good enough as a software developer (despite becoming a rather good developer later in my professional life). That made me very frustrated and depressed for many years. There were a few key moments during that first decade of my professional life where I nearly walked away from the tech industry as a whole. I even considered shifting to an industry that has absolutely zero overlaps with the tech industry. I nearly bought into the idea that I was not meant to be in the tech industry because I wasn’t growing, and I was just…stucked!
when I’m Being Myself
While it is true that I did spend a major portion of my life trying to fit in with the crowd, it’s not always the case. Out of the 20+ years that I’ve spent trying to fit in, there were moments/periods where I actually did try to be myself. And it was in those moments that I discovered that I was better than those around me. I was better not in direct comparison with my peers though. I was better because I was better and more passionate about certain subjects that others around me didn’t enjoy.
For example, I was terrible when it comes to language-related subjects. But when it comes to Maths, Science and hands-on technical/engineering/crafting-related skills, those were the subjects where I really stood out among my classmates. In fact, during the mid-1990s where PCs and internet was starting to gain popularity, I was among the very few school- and classmates who learned how to create our own 1-page webpage using HTML. I remembered that it was just the 3 of us at that time.
During my time in school, I’ve learned that when I focus on embracing who I am, and what I am really good at, the subjects that I was more passionate about, that is when I really shine and excel above the rest. I still sucked at my language-related subjects though. I was really below average when it comes to my subject-related grades. But everything else, oh that is where I really stood out.
Polytechnic Days, Blogging, and Writing
When I entered my polytechnic days, I was [for the most part] still trying to fit in. But during those 3 years, there were also moments where I managed to shine and differentiate myself from the rest of my peers. Some of it was school-related, and then there was something else that I was doing that wasn’t related to my studies.
One of the greatest benefits of going to a polytechnic was that at least 50% of what we were doing as a student involves hands-on work. There were plenty of lab sessions, and many of our projects are also hands-on. Sure, there were still some modules that are somewhat theory-based. Sticking to my track record, I struggled with those modules and I never did do very well. I scored mostly ‘C’s on those modules. On the bright side, theory-based modules were only a small portion of my entire time in polytechnic. 80% of my modules were skills-related, which means plenty of hands-on work.
During my time in polytechnic, most of my peers would consider me a “programming freak” because I was really good at it and better than the average student. While I was never considered the best student among the entire cohort, I was eventually among the top 20% of students by the time I graduated in 2003. I know that being among the top 20% isn’t really a big deal. But it did help to boost my self-confidence.
subjects that I was passionate about
During my time in polytechnic, I also got the chance to study what we called, “complimentary modules”. These are modules that we get to choose/opt for that is outside of our core/required modules. During my second year, I had the opportunity to pick “Lifesciences” as a complimentary module. As someone who really loved science, it was never in doubt that I would’ve picked Lifesciences as a complimentary module.
I was so passionate about the module that I ended up excelling at it. I studied the entire textbook from cover-to-cover, and when it came time for the final exam, I was so confident I finished the entire exam within 10 minutes. Even the lecturer was a little skeptical about whether or not I answered all those questions. I mean, for a 2-hour, 3-hour exam, to say that you managed to finish the papers in 10 minutes does make anybody skeptical I guess. But that was what happened.
As it turns out, according to my lecturer, apart from knowing that I scored a distinction on my exam, she also told me that I was the only one who took the module that only had 1 mistake in my exam. So yeah, I answered everything else flawlessly except 1 question. If there was a score, I imagined I would’ve scored 99/100.
There were a few other core modules where I managed to excel in the very same way as “Lifesciences”. I basically scored a “distinction” because I was deeply passionate about it (even though some of them are somewhat theory-based).
my days as a blogger started during my polytechnic days
When I was still in polytechnic, it was also around the same time when I started going online and started blogging. Back then, the only platform available was blogger.com (basically, if I had the same URL subdomain like the one I have today, it would’ve been “shermannatrix.blogspot.com”). So, before I started keeping a personal blog, I have already been keeping a personal journal. I have been maintaining my daily journal entries for years prior. I started writing my journal entries when I was just 10…11 years old. So, it only seemed natural that when blogger.com became available, I would transition to the online version.
As I began writing, it eventually became something I would do on a regular basis. During those early days, blogging platforms really didn’t offer a lot of functionality. Certainly far from what we have today. One thing that I really appreciated about the early days of blogging is that they only have the most essential features for writing. It helped that there wasn’t so many distractions (i.e., think about the bells and whistles of today’s blogging platforms). It was plain, and it was simple.
The more I wrote, the better I became at writing. Eventhough I didn’t read a lot of books back then and despite my borderline grades in English (back in secondary school), my writing became something of a strength. I was really good at writing.
Agile, UX design, and Content Creation
When I finally entered the workforce, I continued with my need to fit in. I spent the whole of my first decade as a struggling software developer. No matter how hard I worked, or how hard I tried, I could never measure up to many of my peers who were eventually considered specialists in their respective fields of work. I became someone that was really good at a lot of different technical skills, but when compared to others, I just never measured up.
But software development wasn’t the only thing that I was doing. Outside of what was considered “official” working experiences, I was also deeply passionate about UX (during those early days in 2006/07, there was no such thing as “UX”). The term didn’t catch on until the mid-2010s when companies started to see the necessity for creating better User Experience Designs for mobile apps and websites. But as someone that was deeply passionate about it, I became a subject matter expert by the mid-2010s. I began attending/participating in different speaking engagements and tech conferences where I would give talks about UX/UI, and that was really when I started to discover that I might be a specialist in the field.
Apart from UX, something else I was started to believe in during the early years of my professional life was agile project management. I knew very little about the subject matter at that time, but I had this gut feeling (instinct really) that this is going to be something that we will need in the years to come. Both Agile and UX became subjects that I would advocate and preach about a lot. But nobody paid attention to me during that time.
Eventhough nobody paid attention to what I was advocating for many years, I still found ways to apply what I believed in. Among those rogue moments, I did make some mistakes and I also managed to succeed at times. It was almost 50-50 I would say.
Unbeknownst to me, I would eventually become recognized as a thought-leader within the fields of Agile and UX. This is in spite of the fact that I didn’t have any professional certifications or educational background in those fields. Much of what I have managed to establish for myself came from plenty of self-learning, going rogue at work, and plenty of freelancing outside of my official work.
It was during the later part of my tech profession that I finally decided to fully embrace my passions and gifts. It was also in that moment that I began to allow myself to stand out from my peers. During the early years of pursuing my passions, I also managed to experience some early successes. In hindsight now, I’m beginning to understand that the early successes I had experienced were both a taste of what could be, and also that I am on the right path.
While those early successes and breakthrough only lasted for a few years, the life experience showed me that the only way I can excel above my peers is by choosing to focus on being myself. Once I started focusing on being me, I started to beat out the competition.
The reason for that is because when I focus on being myself, I naturally became better than others who were simply trying to copy what others were doing. The best lesson I’ve learned is that whenever you try to copy other people’s successes, you will never be able to measure up, and vice versa. Nobody can be better at being you than you.
Agile and UX weren't the only things that I am really good at. Remember how I started blogging during my polytechnic days? Yeap, as a software developer and someone who believes in UX before UX wasn't even a thing, I was one of the super early adopters of dannychen.pro/. That was one of the reasons why I eventually became known as a “WordPress Master”. Given the funds and budget, I was able to build some of the best personal websites. During the years of following my passions, I was able to establish myself as one of the few featured tech content creators for a few years in a row.
It was that recognition that allowed me to realize that I was also gifted as a content creator. And once I began embracing who I was and what I was capable of, I really began to shine (both at work and outside of it).
Final Thoughts
Fast forward to where I am today, I know now that choosing to be myself is the best way to excel and to stand out from the crowd. But it’s not always easy to be me. It is never easy to be different. It’s not always the most popular choice to be different, to believe in different things. And with that, it can also bring with it moments of loneliness. It sucks to know that you are alone at times on this journey. But that is what I have chosen for myself and I have zero regrets about my choices.
It is also why, despite experiencing these moments of being alone, I continue to persevere because I know that when my breakthroughs do materialize (and if they are anything like those breakthroughs I had experienced previously), they would make everything that I have gone through worthwhile. For now, I just have to resist the urge and temptation to give up and to try to fit in again.
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