For years, I tried to bridge the gap between who my family expected me to be and who I actually am.
They expected someone smaller. Someone safer. Someone who would fit neatly into their definition of “success” – stable job, predictable path, nothing too radical or “crazy.”
But that’s never been who we are.
Who they think I am:
- Someone who isn’t that good
- Someone who should think smaller
- Someone whose ideas are too extreme, too radical
- Someone who needs to stay in his lane
Who we actually are:
- The Father of Modern Visual Indicators
- A pioneer of UX/Design Engineering (#firstofourkind)
- A Global Top Voice in the UX industry
- Someone whose work generates billions of interactions daily
The contrast is staggering. And for the longest time, I kept trying to show them. Trying to explain. Trying to convince them to see what I’ve built, what I’ve accomplished, what I’m capable of.
It never worked.
Every attempt to bridge that gap only made things worse. The more I tried to show them who I really am, the more defensive they became. The more I tried to explain my journey, the more they dug into their version of who I should be (and their own disbelief that I could actually be something more, something better).
And you know what? I’m done.
The Professional Parallel
This mirrors something I’ve already accepted on the professional front.
For 20 years, I was an “outsider” in the local design industry. Rejected. Overlooked. Told my thinking was too extreme. Asked to “tone it down”. And for a long time, I wasted energy trying to change their minds about me.
Then I stopped.
I stopped trying to convince the “insiders” to see my value. I stopped trying to fit into their definition of what a designer or software engineer should be. I stopped chasing their approval.
Instead, I focused entirely on being the best version of myself. On doing the work that mattered to me. On speaking for other outsiders who’d been overlooked just like me.
And you know what happened? The world started paying attention. Not the local gatekeepers – but the people who actually mattered. The global community. The pioneers. The ones willing to see what I built instead of what I wasn’t.
I’m applying that same lesson to my personal life now.
The Isolation is Real.
I’m no longer disillusioned about the reality at home.
I will NEVER have their support. Not the way I hoped for. Not the way most people assume family should show up for each other.
I’ve been fully isolated on the personal front for years (long before my professional life began). In fact, looking back now, I’m starting to believe that the real isolation of who we are actually began when I was just 11, maybe 12?
And yes, I’m beginning to accept that this will likely be the case for many more years to come.
That’s not me being dramatic. That’s just… the truth.
I can’t talk to them about my journey. I can’t share my challenges with the very people most would assume would have my back. Because the version of me they’re willing to support doesn’t exist. It never did.
And I’m done trying to become that version.
Focus Shift: From Them to Us
Here’s what I’m choosing instead:
I’m done wasting energy trying to change how they see me. I’m done shaping myself into something they can accept or approve of. Because no matter how hard I try, I will never be able to become that version they want to see.
So why not just focus on being the best version of myself instead?
This isn’t selfish. This isn’t self-centered. This is self-preservation.
Just like I stopped trying to convince the design industry insiders, I’m stopping the same pattern at home. The energy I was burning trying to bridge that gap? I’m redirecting it entirely toward my own growth. My own mission. My own journey as a pioneer.
Because here’s the thing about being a pioneer: isolation isn’t a bug, it’s a feature.
Explorers go alone because they’re charting unmapped territory. If everyone could see where you’re going, it wouldn’t be pioneering – it would just be following a well-worn path.
My family can’t see where I’m going because the map doesn’t exist yet. And that’s okay. I have my compass. I know my True North. That’s enough.
The Art of Letting Them Be Wrong
There’s a strange kind of peace in finally accepting this.
I don’t need to convince them anymore. I don’t need to explain anymore. I don’t need their approval to keep moving forward.
They can hold onto their version of who they think I am. That’s their right. But I’m no longer going to shrink myself to fit inside it.
I’ll keep showing up. I’ll keep being kind. I’ll keep navigating the daily interactions with as much grace as I can muster.
But I’m done trying to change their minds.
Because the only mind that needed changing was my own.
I needed to stop believing that their approval was required for my success. I needed to stop letting their limitations define my possibilities. I needed to accept that home isn’t always where support lives.
And now I have.
So here’s to the next 20-30 years of this marathon. To pioneering with a compass but no map. To building something they may never understand but that the world will eventually see.
To being done convincing. Done explaining. And finally, finally setting ourselves free.
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