For anybody that has been following my journey would already be familiar with my journey and struggles with ADHD. Not only that, but I have been diagnosed with chronic anxiety disorders ever since I was 9..10 years old. To be frank, it was so far back that I genuinely don’t remember when it happened. All I can really remember is that I have been seeking professional help for as long as I can remember it. So, as a disclaimer, this is not a post about being cured of my ADHD or my chronic anxiety. Guys, it’s very much still there. And I am not about to start pretending that it isn’t because that would not do me any good.

Placing a Bouncer at the Door

Over the past two days, things have changed for me. And for the better. For the first time in my entire life, I was finally able to see myself for all that I am. My whole self. And as strange as it feels, I’ve also been learning to embrace that and start living as ME (not just a part of ME, but ALL of ME). Reflecting about it for these two days, it has also helped me to understand and see that many of us actually experience the same thing. We are constantly being pulled in all the different directions all the time. That can be hard if we don’t have a center that we can really hold on to.

By learning to see and accept this WHOLE SELF, it has also helped me brain to feel a lot less chaotic all of the time. In fact, to really draw the contrast, up until two days ago, I feel like whenever a stray thought or something that can trigger my anxiety enters my brain, there is no control. It comes and my mind would just get distracted. It would be fragmented by all of the different thoughts, anxiety, worries, and ideas, all flooding in at the same time. And yeah, I love the featured image that I posted yesterday morning. That AI generated image of the 5 different personalities of Weizhi. Well, it’s as if they all finally agreed to work together and so now, everything in my mind feels quieter, calmer, peaceful actually.

So, what about my anxieties and those random thoughts 💭 that used to drive me crazy? Well, they are there, still in the background like a “hum”. But the biggest difference now is that they are no longer hijacking the attention and focus that I have. And yes, for once, I can finally focus with a greater level of intensity. It’s like I’ve hired a virtual bouncer that is helping to keep those overzealous reporters at bay while I continue to remain inside the office building focusing on doing what I do best.

Going from “Brute-force” to “High-Intensity” Hyper-Focus

You know what the real difference if for someone like me that has ADHD? This quietening of my mind in recent days has made my hyper-focusing much more intense. Think of it like those DSLR camera marketing where they try to compare a brand A chip versus their chip and how they chip is able to capture greater details. In very much the same way, now that I have a quieter mind (less…to no more chaos), I have a lot more focus energy to spare. As a result, with the same amount of time, I am able to focus with greater intensity and quality.

From my self-reflections, I come to realized that while I am able to still “hyper-focus” before this recent development, that felt more like Brute-force mode. Because it’s harder to stay hyper-focus with that intensity, it also means that I get distracted still. So, less quality, more time (just to make up). Maybe this comparison isn’t working out the way I wanted it to. Think a sharp saw versus a blunt one. Which one do you think will take you less time to saw a plank of wood? Clearly the sharper one right? With each stroke of that sharp saw, you will be able to cover more distance. That is what having a quieter mind does to someone who still has ADHD.

In fact, because of what I’ve been experiencing, earlier today, I was able to not only complete all of my tasks, but I also managed to level up my skills as well. Something that I probably would not have been able to do in the same amount of time. Maybe I can still do it, but I might have required more time to get to that same outcome.

Setting a Time and Place for My Anxieties and Concerns

One thing that I’ve began doing now is telling my anxieties and concerns, “Look, I am trying to focus on doing this really well. I’m not ignoring you. I know you’re there. But please, I will give you the necessary time and energy later.”

That is how I would start my day (since yesterday). And when I finally step out of the house, I would begin to tune out those anxieties and random thoughts. I know they are there still, but I just decided to stop making them a constant priority.

Frankly, I am very happy with how I’ve been handling this. Like today, I was so intensely focused on my task that I forgot about the time. When I finally remembered to check the clock, it was already 8:11 pm. Like yeah, haha. And I haven’t had dinner, and I forgot about dinner. Frankly, I can’t remember the last time that actually happened. Maybe I do, but it is a really really long time ago. Anyway, I decided to save my work, started packing up at the library and took the next 15-20 minutes to unpack my emotions and thoughts. Now, that is the right time to finally deal with those anxieties that I’ve been experiencing.

“Being Quiet” is Extraordinarily Ordinary

Yeah, you didn’t read that wrongly. I worded it on purpose. After two days of experiencing this new “quiet” in my mind, here is what I have to say about it. It is surprisingly ordinary. It’s just calmness. It didn’t require any announcements to be made, not social media posts. It just IS.

I really wish more of us can experience this kind of “quiet” that I have been experiencing. It’s a kind of peace that is quite truly, amazing. Maybe I’m just feeling it this way because I haven’t felt this kind of peace and quiet…in like…like I said, I can’t remember if I ever did before.

But yeah, it’s nice. It’s really nice to experience something so ordinary now.