I does seem like it’s been forever since the last time I actually sat down to write a dedicated post that’s focused on personal development topic itself. Well, I suppose that is also because I haven’t really been working on myself that much in recent memory. I wanted to, but I also kept putting it off.

For as long as I could remember, it was always so much easier for me to change everything else about myself. By change, I mean improve, do some things differently, or doing it better. Whatever those changes were, I was always better at them than my own personal self-improvement (what’s on the inside). It doesn’t mean that I haven’t tried. But if I’m being totally honest with myself and with you about it, I never really felt that conviction to just pull away from the old me. I didn’t cut it off totally. The best way I could help you to picture what that might look like is to think of a man that has made the decision to do a 180 in his life, but for some reason, there is this rope that is still tied to his old self that is still on that old pathway. So, for this new guy trying to do the 180, no matter how hard he tries, he is always struggling to move forward towards becoming the new man that he is supposed to be. Every two steps he took, he always felt like he has to take another one step back. Why? Because the old person is also tugging in the other direction.

Does that illustration help? Can you think of a much simpler and easier to under analogy? Let me know in the comments down below.

So, my point being, I am referring to myself in that analogy. I am both the guy trying to become the new person that I’m supposed to be, but every time I felt like I’ve made some progress, I would also experience some form of setback. Something would happen and I would feel like I’m being pulled back into that old world that I was trying so hard to get away from. Sounds familiar?

Making a Clean Break

As I’m sitting here now, thinking about who I want to be, and how I hope the world will see me (for who I am, and the person I can be), I’ve decided that it is time for me to make a clean break from everything from my old life, my old self. If I truly want to become that new person that I am supposed to be, the most important part of who I am that I need a clean break from is my mindset.

It’s like how Einstein put it:

While I do want to celebrate my greater levels of self-awareness in recent years, I dare not claim that I have a complete and total understanding of myself. But if I do know one thing now, it is that part of my core mindset, the way I think, and the way I look at the world, and the way I interact with others; something in there hasn’t really changed over the years. And that is the part that keeps pulling back into the old world that I used to live in all the time.

Fully Embracing that I will NEVER FIT IN. I Shouldn’t have to Try.

Thanks to Pooj for your recent comment. It was actually reading your comment that reminded me of why I was still kinda stuck in my past (in my old self). For the past 7 years, I have been doing all I can to be this authentic, genuine version of myself. But if I had to be brutally honest with myself, there had been numerous moments along the way where I had tried to say things, or acted in certain ways that made it look like I was trying really hard to fit in. In those moments, I wasn’t being totally myself. I might have tried to maintain my authenticity in some of those moments, but I’ve also done the opposite as well.

Looking back now, I believe it is because of those less than authentic moments that were the true reasons why I kept getting pulled back into this old self/life that I used to live. This is something I must put a stop to, here and now.

For as long as I can remember what it felt like, I’ve always been the odd duck. I’ve never fit in anywhere. Not in school, not with most of my classmates, not with most of my army mates during National Service, and most certainly not in the professional world. This is not to say that there weren’t people that I could genuinely click with. I might have met a few of them along the way. But because I was always pretending to be somebody I wasn’t, it was impossible for me to truly connect with them. So yeah, those opportunities simply passed me by.

It wasn’t until this recent 8 years that my efforts to be more authentic that finally led me to meeting a few truly genuine/authentic people as well. Pooj is precisely right, I’ve also lost people along the way. People that I thought would be there for me when I truly needed a friend/help, but as it turns out, when you’re being totally authentic and genuine with some people, they get scared, and they would turn away.

Point being, I’m telling myself today, “Weizhi, you have to stop worrying about what others will say or think about you. Your goal is not to illicit some kind of response from them. How they will react/respond to you is not your responsibility. You are solely responsible for how you choose to conduct yourself.”

That is what I really need to do. Not care about what others might think or say about who I am. I just have to be ME. 100%, authentic, genuine me.

Seeing from God’s Perspective

This is also where I like to end my reflections/sharing for today. As I was praying this morning and thinking about what it all means to be born-again Christians, I realized something that I never quite understood before. I always thought it was replacing pieces of our old selves with something new, but that’s not exactly how God looks at it. To Him, when we finally embrace Christ and turn away from our old lives, in God’s eyes, it’s an absolute, and total death to our old selves. That old man died that day. He/she can’t come back again. Now, it is time for this new man/woman to live the life that God has intended for them.

So, let’s apply that knowledge and understanding to our own lives. If you’re like me, and you’re trying to embrace and live this new life that God has given us, perhaps we need to finally let our old selves die. Totally, and absolutely. Not buts. The only way we can truly embrace our new lives, and this new person that we’re meant to be, is to let the old one die first.

Trust me, I won’t be grieving this old life of mine. It is a part of me that I am thankful to be rid of permanently. What I want to do is to fully embrace the new me that I’ve been trying so hard to become for way too long. This is where my energy and focus will be going forward.

Hey, I love to read about your own personal experiences when it comes to embracing a new, better self. What was it like for you? What were some of your challenges and struggles and what are you doing to overcome it? I love to read about it.