Yeap, it’s one of those days…

So, look, I don’t want to sugarcoat it. I hate to acknowledge it for what it is because of what it means. But I can’t exactly ignore what is really going on either.

She Always Thought Very Little of Me

In the last 8 years of following & pursuing my passions, my mother has become my biggest doubter above everybody else.

I feel reminded, almost on a weekly and daily basis of why she thinks I’m a failure, and how she thinks very little of me. Like a broken record that only spews negative comments, I feel like she’s on repeat.

Look, I’m not without fault because, over the past 8 years of following my passion, I have also met numerous failures of my own along the way. Some were of my own doing (i.e. mistakes made and lessons learned), and others were beyond my control.

But my journey isn’t without it’s positive signs and breakthroughs. There were signs, clearly enough, for me to know that I’m also on the right path. It might not be the path that my mother thinks is “best for me”, but it is also the path that I have chosen for myself.

As I recall back on those moments when I experienced those significant breakthroughs, I remembered my mother going silent about what she thinks is best for me. To be fair, during those moments, I was also commanding a pretty comfy salary, and I was also giving her a comfy amount of monthly allowance. I suppose in some ways, that managed to shut her up for a period of time.

But as soon as things fell apart (one of those instances that were beyond my control), she started returning to what she had been doing before, reminding me that I was a failure, and it was because of me that’s why things fell apart. Though not her exact words, I remembered her saying something along the lines of, “See, I knew this would happen. It won’t last.”

Making a Choice to Go Against the Flow

In recent years, after witnessing how the world has changed during the pandemic, I was once again shown a really huge and clear sign that I’m on the right path.

It may not be the path [life] that my mother thinks is best for me. She still thinks that I should stop following my passion. She doesn’t know, or understand what UX is about specifically, and it’ll be difficult to explain it to her because it’s not something she can understand. So yeah, in some ways, it’s difficult for her to understand why UX being in such high demand now is a great sign for me. So as far as I’m concerned, all she knows is I’m still trying to follow my passion.

And with this new increased interest and attention on UX, I have made a conscious decision to go against the flow. One thing I kept reminding myself over the past few years is this – if I had listened to everything she says, and done as she asked, I would never have experienced those breakthroughs and successes along the way. I would never have discovered my natural talent in the field of Agile UX, and I most certainly would not have became a certified thought leader in that field.

Let’s face it, if I had done what my mother says is “best for me”, I would still be in a job where I will continue to remain underpaid. It was by following my passion that I experienced a 300% pay increase a year after I left my old job behind. So yeah, I have to continue believing that everything I am doing today will eventually pay off. I don’t know when that would be, or how it would happen. I’m just keeping the faith.

On to something hopeful perhaps, I recently came across a LinkedIn job ad showing a company looking to hire an Experience Architect. Oh yeah, the very same thing I wrote about in one of my previous journal entries. I really don’t want to jinx it, so I won’t go into it. I’ll be having a call with the hirer on Monday morning. I aim to leave a great first impression on Monday. I’m going to do everything I can to land that career opportunity and then see what happens.

God, I really hope that I would find my own success soon!

What I Want to Do After I Succeed

In recent weeks, I have been thinking a lot more about the things I want to do right after I experience my next major breakthrough on this journey. Landing a permanent role as an Experience Architect would most certainly classify as a major success. Again, I hope not to jinx it. So, we’ll see what happens on Monday.

For now, I do want to talk about my plans after I succeed. I wouldn’t consider my plans as anything material, instead, it’s just things I really want to do.

Proving My Mother Wrong (Shutting Her Up)

The very first thing I want to do when I succeed is to commit a significant portion of my monthly salary as a monthly allowance for my mother. Based on past experience, I’d say that this would be the easiest way to shut her up about my decision to follow my passion. At the same time, I want to do this because it would be a way for me to prove to her that I can succeed by following my passion. She has always been convinced that the idea of following our passion won’t “put food on the table”. So yeah, I’m going to prove her wrong. And if my monthly income allows it, I intend on taking over the utility bills and monthly home broadband subscription. Yeah, I’ll take care of everything if I could.

Setting Up a Savings Account

One of the most important plans after I experience my success, would be to set up a savings account. It has the highest priority for me because, through all my years of following my passion, I’ve learned the hard way that having a fat, surplus savings account is the best way to get through difficult/challenging times. We can’t always predict what would happen in the near future. What we have is today. So when times are better, we should really be setting aside as much as we can.

Unlike my 20s and 30s, I’m no longer interested in trying to put on flashy clothes, own the latest tech gadgets, or dine out at posh cafes. At 40, I no longer feel the need to do certain things in order to fit in or to feel accepted by others. In fact, I am currently thinking about how I want to keep a lower profile. The less people know about me, the better. Let’s just say that I’m a lot more interested in the stuff that’s real. Plus I’m done pretending to be somebody that I’m not.

Does this mean I would totally abandon my interests in being an audiophile (collecting headphones), being a STEAM Enthusiast (getting various electronics and robotics kits to tinker with), or being a content creator and PC gamer? I’d be lying if I said yes. So no. I will continue with my interests. The only difference is that I’ll need to moderate my purchases over time. I’ll admit that I have some kind of wishlist at the back of my mind, even right now. But it doesn’t take priority over the more important things.

[Re-]Building Up My Assets as a UX Specialist

If/When the right career opportunity materializes, I would imagine that it is entirely possible for me to receive external consulting requests throughout the course of a year. Being what you might consider, a high-end premium UX consultant, I suspect that unlike in the past, there would only be 2 or 3 requests a year to consult. Clearly, to avoid any potential conflict of interest with the company that I’m working for, I would never consult with competing companies. I would only operate outside of that industry. Each consulting gig would also have the potential to bring in up to US$55K (usually involving full-scope work i.e. UX, UI design, and frontend dev). Each high-quality gig could also take up 4 – 6 months of my time each year.

As a UX Specialist, I also intend on building up my own assets. What assets you might ask. I see these assets as a good, solid high-end MacBook Pro, a few iOS devices, and Android devices. These devices would be extremely helpful when it comes to testing designs that I am consulting on. Nothing can beat being able to test your designs on actual physical devices. Emulators are nice, but it’s not always the best in my experience.

Final Thoughts

Anyway, my mind is quite tired today. Clashes with my mother like the one that happened this morning can usually leave me feeling emotionally drained. I’m just too exhausted to think about anything else for now.

It is on days like these that I like to remind myself of why I decided to pursue my passion in UX. I would also think about what I want to do after I succeed as a way to motivate myself to keep going.

Okay, I’m going to go make myself a cup of coffee, spend the rest of my day playing Anno 1800, and rest early tonight.